We’re getting out. After 22 years of service, my husband is making the transition to civilian life. I’ve been by his side for 13 of those years, and I’ll admit, I’m finding it hard to accept my new role as something other than a military spouse. There are so many things I’m going to miss about military life, which I wrote about here, but let’s be honest: there are definitely things I won’t miss once we’re on ‘the other side.’
I won’t miss things like:
Saying goodbye. In our 13 years together, my husband and I spent at least eight of those years living separately thanks to deployments, unaccompanied tours, separations due to employment, or long term training. Words cannot capture the dread that would build in my heart in the weeks approaching a deployment, the desperation of the last night before the dreaded flight, the weight of the ceremony, the emptiness of the car ride home. I am forever thankful for the service and sacrifice of those still deploying, but I am even more grateful it will never be my husband’s service, or our sacrifice, again.
“Rank” discrimination. While military spouses officially have no rank, in my opinion, many perpetrate class-based discrimination against their fellow spouses. As a senior enlisted spouse, I found myself shunned from some events since my husband was not an officer. Simultaneously, I was penalized by junior enlisted spouses for living in a household that made too much money. Let’s stop separating ourselves and support each other for what we are: people joined in a common life experience, supporting our active-duty spouses, while raising families and meeting our own life goals. Together we’re stronger, right?
Keeping up with the Joneses. My last few years as a military spouse turned me into brand-name loving fiend. Prior to relocating to our last duty station, I never owned a Coach purse, and I wouldn’t have even considered spending what we did on my most recent purchase from Louis Vuitton. But spending money on brand name goodies seems to be an ingrained part of military life: from the healthy Kate Spade selection at the Exchange, to the brand name clothes, to the status cars. It seems like everyone is trying to out-do each other, and that’s probably why a lot of military families are in debt, in my opinion. I don’t know if post military life will change my ways, but now that I’m backing away from the ‘forest,’ I can see the trees …but, that doesn’t mean I’m giving up my purses!
The sense of entitlement. Though we’ve all played a role in our spouse’s career, we’re still military dependents, and the benefits granted to are because of our service members. As an Army/Air Force civilian employee and volunteer on post, I have witnessed numerous cases of spouses behaving badly at all levels. All the services and support we have access to are benefits, not entitlements, which can be taken away. And if you don’t write your Congressman, some of them might well be a thing of the past. Military spouses who want to benefit from the sense of community on their installations should be ready to stand up and contribute to it; if you don’t like the events the FRG is holding, volunteer to help plan a function. If you don’t feel there are enough military guards manning the crosswalks in front of your child’s school, help organize a group of parents to do the job. Start being part of the solution!
Sure, it’s easy to point out the things I won’t miss about military life. But what really matters is your own experience, the bonds you formed, and the amazing places you’ve lived, all because of a lifestyle that most don’t have the chance to live. I’ll see you on ‘the other side!’
Can you relate to any of these? Will it be different in the civilian world? Leave me a comment and let me know!