Tag Archives: military partners

5 Ways to Savor “The Lull” of Military Life!


Over the past few years, military life has afforded our family many changes and calamities. We have survived a deployment, reintegration, and we moved across the country (again). We have closed up shop at one duty station and set up our lives in another new town. We have spoken countless goodbyes, unpacked all of our worldly possessions, and felt the sting of loneliness being new in unfamiliar, uncharted territory.

After one full year at our current assignment we have nested, settled, and established our lives in our professional, educational, religious, and social communities. And here we are now at what I call, The Lull.

A lull, as defined by Merriam Webster, is a “temporary calm, quiet, or stillness.” In military life, The Lull is a phase of time that can feel hard-fought and hard-won. Much of the time, life in the military demands that we live in fight-or-flight mode. For many of us, we almost forget how to live during the downtime; life without furious activity feels unfamiliar and awkward.

For the past handful of years, circumstances have conditioned my husband and me to function on little time together, a “B.L.U.F.” (Bottom Line Up Front) style of communication, and to be honest, a tendency toward a frenzied and often frazzled atmosphere in our home.

At our current assignment there are no deployments, few TDYs, and for once, my soldier has some pretty regular and predictable hours. Thankfully, there have been no late nights, no middle-of-the-night crises, no separations, no time in grueling training or study for school, and we have nothing else to unpack or organize.

I am finding myself at a loss with how to behave with all of this sacred family time. Instead of becoming hyper-vigilant about the next hard thing on the horizon, I’m choosing to focus this season on savoring The Lull. This rare period in our family’s op-tempo is a perfect time to refocus and refresh a few areas our lives.

Here are my 5 suggestions for savoring The Lull.

1. Make your marriage your mission
Just like any military mission, our marriages need a clear focus and goal. If having a dynamic relationship with your spouse has taken a hit during times of stress, now is the time to address it. During this respite, re-calibrate what matters in your relationship. Spend some intentional time together. Set aside time to really connect. Maybe that looks like a regular date night, going to a marriage conference or retreat, seeking professional counseling, or incorporating a nightly practice of sitting together and reflecting on the day’s blessings. However big or small, the investment in your relationship, as a couple, will help to establish patterns for defining your priorities.

2. Let your home be a place of rest
As a typically Type-A person, I tend to focus on making our home run on efficiency. With cleaning schedules, chore-charts for the kids, meal plans, and regular family budget-meetings, I can turn our home into a process-driven, tightly-run ship. As military spouses, there are times when that level of competence is a necessity. In certain seasons, resolute organization is the only way I stay mission ready. During The Lull, some of that compulsiveness should be traded for rest. Structure is good, but so is taking a breather. I want our home to be a haven of refreshment for my soldier, myself, and our children. We aim to savor meals around the table, have family game nights, enjoy the scenery our current duty station affords, and we especially enjoy quiet when can find it.

savor-the-lull--pinterest3. Let this be your time
During a deployment or PCS, you may not have the flexibility to focus on your own needs. Often, the needs of the military, your spouse, or family comes first. During The Lull, it is the perfect time to find your groove. Take up knitting or photography, learn a musical instrument, practice yoga, join a book club, get a part-time job, or enroll in a college course. If you find yourself in a situation where there’s a bit of a reprieve from the demands of the typical military hustle, use the time to fill up your own tank. None of us can run on fumes! As human beings, we aren’t built for long periods of physical, emotional, or mental stress. Take this time to make sure you are finding the stillness, rest, recreation, or relief you need.

4. Find community
John Donne once said, “No man is an island unto himself.” This adage is certainly true in military life. Were it not for unit wives, auxiliary ministry groups, social media, and real-life friends, I don’t know that I’d survive the madness of what our military duty asks of me. This is true during times of tension and strife, but this is also true during The Lull. It’s vital to our marriages and families to find connection with others. Invite the neighbors over for a barbecue, join a church, connect with others in your town who share hobbies or interests. It may feel natural to hunker down at home during a time of reprieve, but we all need a network of camaraderie. Go out and find your people!

5. Remember your “why’s”
Those of us in military service have dozens of varying reasons for our affiliations. To some, it’s a steady paycheck, a strict sense of patriotism and pride in our great nation, and to others it may even be a calling to protect and defend. There’s no better time than The Lull for you and your spouse to recall your motivations for serving. Call to mind why you got started, recollect your high times and victories, revive that sense of purpose, and determine your strengths for going forward, intentionally. It will be this sense of significance that will anchor and sustain you, your marriage, and your family when the going gets tough. Being principled in your convictions goes a long way in maintaining positivity and resolve.

The Lull doesn’t seem to come around often. But if, like me, you find yourself in the midst of some downtime and don’t quite know how to respond, savor it!

What do you do when you’re in The Lull? Share your thoughts with us!

claire-woodClaire Wood writes about her own struggles to make sense of military life at elizabethclairewood.com and she has recently released her faith-based book for military spouses, Mission Ready Marriage. She enjoys reading, early morning outdoor walks, trying out new recipes, and hosting friends and family in her home. Claire is married to Ryan, an Army Chaplain. They and their three children are stationed at Fort Gordon in Augusta, GA. 

Is Cyberbullying a Sign Our Military Community is Imploding?


Why are service members making it a point to create hateful, misogynistic jargon online about military spouses? And what makes military spouses turn on each other creating the same?

By now you’ve probably seen the op-eds in Task & Purpose, and the Washington Post, declaring a ban on ‘entitled’ veterans, active duty service members, and their families. I’m sure you’ve read the counterparts to these articles in the Huffington Post, and on Military.com.

Anti-bullying campaigns have been around for quite some time, and an overwhelming number of them just don’t work. They aim to ‘fix’ the bully, and ‘teach’ the victim with an overarching theme reminding us we’re just doing it wrong–we’re just existing wrong. (Read: when we don’t stand up for ourselves, we become victims. When we stand up for ourselves, bullies emerge to fight back.)

Bullying stops when an environment is positive, supportive, and enriching, and when character and value are promoted.

I think that’s where the mess happened; our environment shifted, and we had to fight back.

Since September 11, 2001, 2.5 million military families have seen a loved one deploy, 600,000 service members have been wounded, and nearly 7,000 lives in our all-volunteer force have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

Add in Sequestration, force reduction, and politics, and you’ve all but knocked out our military and their families cold.

Those who once supported our nation, and this military, have quieted. Flags that used to be as bright as the sun that shone upon them, are now torn, faded, and walked upon in protest.

The bigger picture is this: military families don’t feel entitled.

We feel unappreciated, ignored, stuck between a rock and a hard place, not supported, and now, hated. With nowhere to turn, our community has imploded, finding acceptance and support by picking apart each other, and the network that has long supported our service members: military spouses.

The internet is full of viral videos of veterans and active duty service members calling out others who illegally impersonate a military member in uniform, and controversial Facebook groups which exist to target unsuspecting military spouses by making fun of them.

The viral videos and hateful social media groups have given others a pass to rip into anyone who ‘impersonates’ anything. Ask the Washington Post and Task & Force op-ed authors what they think of military spouses, like me, they’d say we’re ‘impersonating’ service members in our own way: by declaring our own sacrifices, demanding support from our government, and by wearing our husbands’ rank for power.

In such a climate of hatred, it’s hard to see the ones who are trying to clean up the mess. We ignore the spouses who are receiving death threats for asking people to stop the tormenting. We mock the spouses who are trying to disbar the ‘Dependapotamus’ stereotype by pursuing higher education, getting their own insurance (gasp!) through full time employment, and who are being recognized by the White House as Champions for Change.

Yet, nothing seems to be good enough to make the cyber-bullying stop.

What we need are positive, supportive, enriching communities who are steadfast with their loyalty, and encouraging even in times of stillness. Our military and their families need to be reassured that we are accepted, wanted, and appreciated.

That’s not ‘entitled,’ or high-maintenance. It’s human nature. Calling us entitled is adding fuel to the fire. We ferociously defend ourselves, only to be met by more hate, name-calling, and follow up articles putting us in our place.

Instead of making a military spouse feel ostracized for not knowing the TRICARE handbook, respond positively, and share a resource. Rather than laughing when a young spouse admits they’re having trouble making friends, be their mentor. And for those service members who call us ‘Dependas,’ ask yourself where that hate is coming from and remember that we are here to support you.

It’s up to us to clean up the mess, military community. If we don’t provide ourselves with the environment we want to live in, how will anyone else?

shannonPosted by Shannon Sebastian, Content Development Manager

Insta-what? Insta-who? 10 Must-Follow MilSpouses on Instagram!

Living a military life can be stressful and beautiful, all at the same time. What better way to document such an adventure than through pictures? Military spouses are out in full force on the Insta-sphere, sharing everything from their homecomings to their workplace selfies…and we think they’re awesome!

Here are ten of our favorite #MilSpouse Instagrammers. Check ‘em out and get your double tapping finger ready!

  Elizabeth is a Navy wife, blogger, crafter and the queen of the thumbs-up selfie. We give her Instagram feed two thumbs up for making us laugh and want to be her best friend.

  Jordan is a Marine wife who oozes Southern charm. She’s full of life with an energy that shows through her photos. Check out her photos of food and fun times!

MckenzieHarding  McKenzie’s photos of her new baby girl are awwwww-inducing. She and her Marine husband are currently living in Japan, which transforms her feed into a beautiful travel scrapbook.

Danigrace_  Dani’s got lots of love for her Marine and their pet Westie, Lady. She’s also chock full of fashion and hair inspiration (suddenly we want to buy some emerald green pumps!).

Wifessionals  Kaitlyn is one of those Instagrammers who has a point of view, as they say in the photography world. Her pics are clean, simple and inspiring. She became an Army wife a few years ago and is now a new mom who shares openly and honestly.

Jenhatzung  Jen has brought West Coast flair to the East Coast, thanks to her Navy husband. Get to know the diva with the dark rimmed glasses as she shares her fashion and fitness inspiration.

hooahandhiccups  Samantha is a proud Army wife and mom who started blogging while her husband was on a 10 month deployment to Afghanistan. Her Instagram feed is like her blog in picture form—plenty of family, fashion and fun.

Kimberlykalani1122  Kimberly’s an Air Force spouse to a female Airman. She shares lots of photos of their love, their fur baby, and their life as an LGBT military couple. Plus she has some pretty sweet tattoos.

MrsBe72  Mrs. B is an Air Force wife, mom to a sassy toddler and adorable newborn. She also has an infectious smile and is one of the most fashionable pregnant women we’ve ever seen.

ThenSheLostIt  Shannon is a blonde beauty who’s married to a Blue Angel and living in her home state of Florida, y’all! She keeps it real…and sarcastic. Check out her feed for a smile, a laugh, and some hair envy.

National Military Family Association has an Instagram account, MilitaryFam. Add us – we’re a bunch of military spouses, too!

And tell us in the comments below… who are your favorite #MilSpouses on Instagram?

Besa-PinchottiPosted by Besa Pinchotti, Communications Director

Rock the Interview: 5 tips for military spouse employment success

jobfairYou’ve graduated, enjoyed a taste of summer, probably PCS’ed across the country recently and now it’s time to hit the ground running and secure your dream job. Not quite sure how to build your resume to showcase your volunteer experience? Worried that you won’t know how to answer the questions the employers may ask you?

Before you hit the career fairs or begin interviewing, here are five tried and tested tips to help you get hired!

1. Research. Make sure you understand the industry you want to be a part of. Research companies that are hiring and keep an eye out for companies that are military spouse friendly. Research career fairs in your area. Use the Military Spouse Employment Portal to help you in your research and don’t miss the career counselors at Military OneSource.

2. Prepare. Update or create your resume. There are great resume builder workshops and guides available to you. It’s important to customize your resume according the job description you are applying to. Not only perfect your resume but understand it. Be able to explain in detail every point you make on your resume. Be able to back your skills up with examples. If you have gaps in employment, be ready to explain why. Also prepare questions and answers. Have a great set of go-to questions to ask potential employers at the end of an interview or at a career fair.

3. Practice. Work on your interviewing techniques with your spouse or friend. Give them questions to ask you and practice reciting your answers. Remember and repeat your ‘elevator pitch’ that describes yourself and tells why you are a good hire in 30 seconds or less. Practice in front of the mirror to help perfect your delivery.

4. Polish. Put together a professional outfit and go in with a polished look. If you need a suit or new outfit visit retailers that offer military discounts or look for business attire at the nearest exchange store or installation thrift shop.

5. Present. Make eye contact and use a firm handshake to make a good first impression. Don’t sell yourself short; present your best qualities and skills. Have a positive attitude and have confidence!

These simple steps will guide you in your employment pursuits. Visit our website for more military spouse employment resources and if you are in the area don’t miss any of these upcoming career fairs for military spouses!

  • September 5, 2013 – Quantico, VA Military Spouse Hiring Fair
  • September 9, 2013 – West Point, NY Military Spouse Networking Event
  • September 12, 2013 – JBLM, WA Military Spouse Hiring Fair
  • October 24, 2013 – Fort Sam Houston, TX Military Spouse Hiring Fair
  • November 7, 2013 – Fort Bragg, NC – Military Spouse Hiring Fair

Find out more about the US Chamber of Commerce Foundation Hiring Our Heroes Military Spouse career fairs and initiatives here.

What tips do you have to help military spouses get hired?

alliePosted by Allie Jones, Military Spouse Scholarship Coordinator

Military Families in All Shapes and Sizes

Military Partners and Family CoalitionWhen you marry someone in the military, there are things about your life that will change pretty drastically. We all know that. How you live, where you live, how long you’ll get to stay at a job, whether you’ll even find a job—these uncertainties, and many more, come with the territory. Even the presence or absence of your spouse in your household is no longer something you always get to decide.

Military spouses and military children are expected to make these sacrifices for the sake of our Nation’s military every day. The missed birthdays, the school play Mom or Dad couldn’t come see, the graduations, births, deaths, joys and disappointments we experience without members of our families all come with this life. Some of our brothers and sisters face the enormous challenges of welcoming home a beloved service member who must now rebuild their lives because of a war-related injury, or cope with unimaginable heartbreak when a loved one doesn’t come home at all.

One of the ways the military has traditionally acknowledged these sacrifices is to assure military members that, come what may, their families will be taken care of. From the routine—PX access, health care, housing allowances—to the extreme—SGLI, survivor benefits—military families know that their basic needs will be met. It doesn’t make it easy, but it makes it doable. That is, unless your spouse is the same gender as you are.

I reached out to Military Partners and Families Coalition (MPFC), an organization that provides support, resources, education and advocacy for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender military partners and their families, because I know how hard this life can often be, even with the benefits extended to heterosexual married service members and their families. I also got in touch because every day I look around our beautiful neighborhood in San Diego and see the joy, companionship and acceptance woven into the fabric of this diverse community as couples of every variety hold hands, fall in love and share their lives. All military members can now openly experience this joy in their relationships, too, and that’s an enormous step forward. But we need to do more.

June is LGBT Pride Month. It is a perfect time to renew our commitment to support ALL military families. Families serve too and military families deserve to be given the gratitude and the benefits to which they are entitled, regardless of their family composition. They’ve earned it, just like heterosexual partners and families have, and the American public wants to thank them the same way they thanks us. In fact, there should be no “them” or “us.” MPFC is working to make this ideal a reality and I’m proud to stand with them as an ally military spouse.

Kim-PlaceGuest Post by Kim Place-Gateau, MPFC ally. A wanderer by nature, Kim grew up on three coasts and two continents, and has no plans to settle. She is a former restaurant owner, caterer, wrangler of at-risk teenagers, Ropes Course instructor, legal dweeb and tutor, and is now a writer. Her work has appeared in Military Spouse Magazine, The Broad Side, Front Porch Fredericksburg and wherever old newsletters, menus and flyers from her popular restaurant still exist.

Military Partners and Families Coalition (MPFC) is the only organization founded by partners of active duty service members. The MPFC mission is to provide support, education, resources, and advocacy for partners and children of LGBT service members – including families of service members on active duty, in the reserves, national guard, and veterans. The National Military Family Association is a member of MPFC and works with them to raise awareness of the needs for support for all military families. We applaud Kim Place-Gateau, an MPFC ally spouse, for working to create an awareness and a welcoming spirit in her community for LGBT service members and their families.

Know a Military Spouse? Here are 6 suggestions on how to show your appreciation!

Know a military spouse? We've got suggestions on how to show your appreciation!Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day! Whether you are a military spouse or not, often times people are not sure how to thank spouses for their dedication and sacrifice. It’s easy to acknowledge and thank a service member, but how do you thank those who hold down the fort, raise our Nation’s children, and keep our service members in the fight each and every day? They don’t wear a uniform, but they serve too.

Well, we’ve got you covered with some help from our dear friends! Chris Pape, founder of Macho Spouse, provides his tips on appreciating our male military spouses and Alice Swan, blogger at DCMilitaryFamilyLife.com, offers her advice on how to pamper our female military spouses.

Got A Male Spouse You Want to Thank?

Chris Pape shows us that the best way to show appreciation for a male military spouse is to keep it simple, genuine, and acknowledge that they are out there!

Neighbors: Do you live near a military family where the serving member is female? If so, congratulations! You’ve found the rare breed of male military spouse. The best way to “appreciate” this man is by not embarrassing him with lavish gifts, but maybe just a simple hand-shake and “thank you.” If you’re inclined to do more, we appreciate beer, nuts, chips, bacon, and beer. But again, a simple thank you and appreciation for all we’ve sacrificed for our wife’s career is more than enough.

Family: We would appreciate just one day free from jokes about how our wives “wear the pants/boots” in our family. Maybe stop by the house and watch your grandchildren for a few hours, or a phone call to simply ask how we’re doing. A genuine conversation about how we survive this crazy military lifestyle can go a long way.

Community: A “Male Military Spouse” appreciation day that includes fishing, golf, brewery tour, visit to Home Depot, and a baseball game would be great! There are a million simple ways to appreciate any military spouse, and we are grateful for all of them. However, the men just ask that you’re conscious of both genders that serve as military spouses.

Got A Female Spouse You Want to Appreciate?

Alice Swan helps us realize that small things can make a huge impact with the ladies!

Neighbors: Do you live near a military family? You could drop off a plate of cookies, a restaurant gift certificate, or a casserole on Military Spouse Appreciation Day to recognize the sacrifices that spouses makes on behalf of our Nation.

Family members: Is your daughter, son, sister, brother, niece, nephew, etc. married to a service member? A card of thanks and encouragement would be a wonderful gesture. So few of us get meaningful mail anymore, so what a great surprise it would be to find a note of support in the mailbox.

Community: Churches could offer a Spouse Appreciation “Night Out,” providing free child care, or a Spouse Appreciation Breakfast or Tea. Local businesses could offer special discounts to military spouses. Wouldn’t a spa day be a great offering by a local salon?

In addition to these awesome ideas, the National Military Family Association created free Military Spouse Day eCards that you can customize for the military spouse in your life. Send an eCard to show your appreciation today!

How do you show appreciation to military spouses? As a military spouse, what has someone done in the past that meant a lot to you?

Tips for using the Post-9/11 GI Bill: get ready for some paperwork!

Tips for using the Post-9/11 GI BillOne of the key factors to pursing your educational goals is to decide how you will pay for your education. Military spouses have several opportunities to help offset the cost of school, including private scholarship programs, federal loans and grants, MyCAA, and transferability of the Post-9/11 GI bill.

When I decided to pursue a graduate degree, my active duty service member decided to transfer a portion of his Post-9/11 GI bill to me. As of August 1, 2009, service members who have served in the Armed Forces for six years and agree to serve an additional four years, are eligible to transfer their benefit to a spouse. My spouse was eligible to receive 100% of this benefit. In my situation, the benefit pays full tuition and fees directly to the public in-state school I attend. I also receive a yearly book stipend of up to $1,000, prorated based on the number of credits I take. I am not eligible to receive a monthly housing allowance because I’m using the benefit while my husband is on active duty and he currently receives a housing allowance for our family. (Private school tuition and fees are capped at a national maximum rate. For the 2012 – 2013 academic year the private school cap is $18,077.50.) But these are my circumstances – how can you make the Post-9/11 GI Bill work for you?

Transferring the Post-9/11 GI bill takes time. Be prepared to work with your spouse to complete quite a bit of paperwork. While your spouse is on active duty, he or she may apply to transfer their benefit to a spouse, child, or children. Your spouse must submit a Transfer Educational Benefit request for Service approval. This may take several weeks to process. Once approved, the family member using the transferred benefit must apply to the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA)  by using form 22-1990e found on the Veterans On-Line Application (VONAPP) website. The VONAPP website is a bit clunky to use. After you create a username and password, you’ll need several important pieces of information to complete this form including: your educational history, name, address, degree program for the school you’ve selected, and bank account information (for direct deposit for the book stipend and/or living allowance).

I waited (patiently) for about five weeks before I received a “certificate of eligibility.” At the same time my husband received a letter notifying him that the VA had received the Transfer of Entitlement (TOE) application and that by applying for TOE he revoked his eligibility for other GI bill programs, such as the Montgomery GI Bill.

I then submitted a copy of my certificate of eligibility to my school’s VA-certifying official. Next, I registered for classes and then the VA-certifying official certified my enrollment with the VA. Certifying enrollment was about a four week process. Your school will only receive funds after your enrollment (which really means registration) has been certified. You may have fees added to your account if you do not pay your tuition by the tuition due date. My school was familiar with the VA’s process and waived all extra fees on my account.

I did drop one class during the add-drop period. Even though I was within my school’s add-drop period, the VA had already sent my tuition to the school based on the classes I was registered to take. About six weeks after my semester started I received a letter from the VA stating they had overpaid my benefits and I was now responsible for the debt. I sent this letter to my school’s VA-certifying official and my school will send the funds back to the VA. If there is an over-payment  you are responsible to repay this debt to the VA.

My tips for effective use of the Post-9/11 GI bill are:

  • Apply for the benefit early – it takes several weeks to process.
  • Bookmark the www.gibill.va.gov website. Contact information and the FAQ section are especially helpful.
  • Get to know your school’s VA-certifying official (your school may have a designated VA office).

The ability to transfer the Post-9/11 GI bill has afforded me the opportunity to attend school. I plan to be a good steward of this benefit and am looking forward (in the distant future) to completing my Master’s degree!

Are you using the Post-9/11 GI bill? What advice would you give to military families on how best to use this benefit?

Keep in mind that rules are not the same when transferring a benefit to a spouse vs. to a child. Please see www.gibill.va.gov for official information and details specific to your situation.

katiePosted by Katie Savant, Government Relations Information Manager at the National Military Family Association and USC Sol Price MPA candidate